I was born into a family (which from the age of 2 consisted of only a significant maternal figure and my brothers) which did not practice religion to any degree. We simply considered ourselves Christians and that sufficed, for the time being. However too many unanswered questions soon brought about an unquenchable thirst. The only feasible outlet seemed to complete (actually familiarize myself with) the rituals of this, my and my families, chosen religion. I entered a group which would grant the proper rituals (the equivalent of 8 years CCD-in, a matter of weeks!). This was done in the summer between 8th grade and freshmen year.
This quick course did little to wet my palette.
My disenchantment with Christianity led to a balancing by immersion in the opposite, Satanism. I read books (the Satanic Bible, and others of equally little worth). I even wrote to Anton LaVey. He did reply, but I never answered. The required $100 was too steep for me at the time; that, and there seemed little personal benefit in mailing The Church of Satan my hard-earned money. I soon lost interest in this path as it did little to quench this thirst of mine. One thing this period accomplished; I no longer called myself a Christian (or a Satanist).
The next period of my life was dominated by an inevitable prison term as a result of felony drug charges (I faced 60 years and received 2 concurrent 10-year sentences). I lived during that period celebrating each and every moment and each and every person I would encounter (As I look back now I see that my new outlook could have been described as "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law." However I had not understood, much less embraced the second stanza, "Love is the law, love under will". This resulted in a slight mutation of the verse. All this is, of course, retrospective and liable to personal bias.). This is how I would spend my days prior to my incarceration in a frenzy of ecstatic couplings with multiple partners and a haze of strange drugs.
I felt this oncoming prison sentence was necessary. I viewed the punishment as admission into Criminal College. As my incarceration continued my notion that this was necessary did not waver, though my reasoning did. This was no longer my training to become the criminal mastermind I thought I wanted to be. This was a period of rest and of introspection. The journey through prison afforded the time necessary for the task. I saw myself through my mind's eye as well as in the faces of the strangers with whom I was forced to commune.
Though the place was full of absolute and thieving scum, I met some wonderful people in there. This was perhaps the most wonderful lesson I could have learned. This place was not a place to be feared, as these people could be students at your school, or people aside you at a wedding- anyone. My previous impression was that only the worst of our society ended up here (I remember first hearing of women's prisons- the thought seemed preposterous. It had never occurred to me that my female friends were just as easily incarcerated. This revelation occurred while I was 21!).
This lesson allowed me to realize that an infringement of the common law if in accordance with the will is a nonevent. This did not lead to reckless lawbreaking; on the contrary, I learned the importance of exercising that will freely. This allowed me to break free from the cycle of Crime/Police/Prison. Now in order to get out of prison I could wait for parole (2 years away!) or seek an early release program. I chose the most stringent program New Jersey has to offer its prisoners. They require strict supervision and mandatory programs with severe penalties for disobedience. Since my will was now to be free I aligned my will with the will of those who would free me. Silently I kept to myself the truth of certain matters, which would jeopardize my freedom. In short, I played the game. No drink or drug was worth freedom; my will to be free supersedes my will to be intoxicated. Through a holy act of sacrifice I abided to their terms for the allotted time. I was now free to pursue my will unabated (by the fetters of the Criminal Justice System).
Prior to my time spent in prison, during the Satanism phase, I had had a dialogue with a teacher of mine. The topic of discussion was the many religions of the world. I argued for the validity of the Church of Satan based on its founding in 1969 by LaVey. After class a woman approached me and asked, "Do you believe in Satan?" I answered, "Yes". "So do I." she replied. "I have some books for you."
We agreed to meet before class on the following night. At the time appointed she showed up with a crate of books. I thanked her and took them. She fished through the mass of books pulling out a book of some substantial girth. "This is the only real book of any worth in the whole lot." She held in her hands an early hard cover edition of "The Golden Dawn" by Israel Regardie.
After perusing the other books and finally reading some of "The Golden Dawn" I came to agree with her statement. Due to the size of this volume I knew I could not read the entire book and making sense of the text was difficult, so I returned it, reluctantly. Ever since then I was drawn to the New Age/Occult shelves of any bookstore I happened to come across.
I finally found "The Golden Dawn" when a large Barnes and Noble Bookseller opened nearby. The search had lasted over 6 years. I studied this volume and began collecting other books of occult wisdom. Though I appreciated the flowery style of Regardie, understanding he was a disciple of Aleister Crowley (strange as by this time I had mistakenly associated Crowley with Satanism), I decided to pursue the works of Crowley himself. My reasoning was, since I realized the inherent worth of this Knowledge, I might as well read Crowley after all he taught Regardie.
I bought "Magick Without Tears" (a suitable compromise- after all Regardie edited the post-humously published tome). This was not my first Crowley book, however. The first, "The Confessions of Aleister Crowley", was purchased while on one of my bookstore excursions in the Poconos; unfortunately, I did little with this volume aside from allow it to collect dust on my shelves. "Magick Without Tears", on the other hand, was my introduction to the A.'.A.'. and the O.T.O..
Since I was on this occult journey alone (for no friends led me or followed me there), I did not believe these organizations still existed. This belief continued until I noticed a tattoo upon the calf of Marc Cohen (a fellow Brother), Thelema, lettered in Greek. I inquired of his knowledge, which proved far greater than mine. He mentioned a group he belonged to A/OM Lodge and the A.'.A.'.. The A.'.A.'.!! I knew instantly this link must be pursued. He mentioned an initiation and I merely asked when. This was a magickal turning point in my life.
On a September night I was initiated into H.O.O.R. at a Masonic Temple in Belleville. I failed to take down any telephone numbers and Marc moved away. I had lost contact with the Link I had been seeking all my days. One day while surfing the net, collecting online Crowleyana (a new obsession of my own), I stumbled onto Dave's website. I e-mailed him, not yet certain whether this was the group or not. Dave replied with information of Marc's return and his own beeper number. I resumed contact with the Lodge and pursued the A.'.A.'.. Though I was disheartened to hear that no new probationers would be accepted during this period of silence, I was overjoyed when I was offered to become a student of Dave's in the Student College of the A.'.A.'..
This was the first taste my parched palate enjoyed on the whole of my journey thus far. I accomplished this grand feat by simply writing:
"It is my Will to join the A.'.A.'.."
This is my account of the many varied spiritual paths that led me to this, my studentship in the A.'.A.'., under the guidance of David Stein.
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